Setting Boundaries and Consequences for Your Teen

By Tricia V. Powell

More and more I hear parents say how they have difficulty setting “rules” for their teens. They’ll say things like “I can’t set a curfew for Jimmy because he will not honor it.” “If we take the car away he says he doesn’t care because he can just get one of his friends to drive.” Another statement I hear frequently is, “If we tell little Susie no she’ll throw a tantrum and make the whole family miserable.” In these instances the kids controlled the parents, family and the home.

Nonetheless, a parent’s role is to establish boundaries for their children and consequences that address the child’s behavior should they over step a boundary. This is important because children need to understand that life
is full of boundaries and that when they make a choice to break a boundary, a consequence follows. In addition, setting boundaries
and consequences for your young adult is a way of teaching him or her responsibility and accountability for themselves to
others.

The best time to start setting boundaries and consequences is at age eleven because at this age a child enjoys planning and organizing,
becomes goal oriented, has good intentions but difficulty in follow through, likes rules and rituals, and has better control of their anger. However, this is also the age where a child begins to think that they do not need any supervision. So, from time to time a parent will need to remind them that they are not adults and that you are the parent. But beware, the longer you wait to implement a boundary and consequence system the more difficult to manage the youth’s behavior.

There are three important aspects in setting
viable boundaries and consequences for your
youth. These are participation, age appropriateness, and consistency. Most will agree that when you give someone a chance to participate and establish or develop something you gain clarity relative to expectations and their “buy in” to whatever you are proposing.
Discuss with your child what the boundaries
should be and get their input. Your goal at this point is to understand how they feel about the boundary and to make sure that they understand the reason and expectations of the boundary. Explain to them how the boundary will be implemented and discuss with them the possible consequences should they break a boundary. Having your youth participate in this process will empower him or her and make implementing these boundaries and consequences easier. Just remember, you are the parent and you have the final word.

Another important aspect in establishing boundaries and consequences is age appropriateness. This means that the age of your youth dictates the nature of the boundary and the consequence thereof. For example, you wouldn’t want to sit a sixteen year old in the corner for talking back. This will only cause humiliation for the youth and resentment towards you.

The next and last important aspect is the concept of consistency. Parents often fail in this area.They worry that their child will no longer “like” them should they say “no” or implement boundaries. Many will say that this is
because they see their child as their
“best friend”. But being a parent should not develop into a friendship between the
child and parent. This reduces the parent’s
authority over their youth and risks the child taking over as “parent” which is not a healthy role for any child no matter what the age. Other parents simply run out of steam or feel that their youth is following the boundaries and
begin to relax the boundaries themselves.

But again, boundaries are boundaries just like laws are laws and we all have to abide by them. Enforcing the boundaries teaches your child the difference between right and wrong, acceptable vs. non-acceptable
behavior.

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About Tricia V. Powell

Tricia V. Powell is a Family Mediator from Life
Strategies Program who specializes in at-risk
teens and families of divorce. Tricia earned her
MBA and has been a Court Approved Mediator
in Southern Maryland for over 15 years. She can be reached at 410-610-9835 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting              410-610-9835      end_of_the_skype_highlighting begin_of_the_skype_highlighting              410-610-9835      end_of_the_skype_highlighting.