Top 5 Reasons Why Complaining is So Toxic

By Dr. Carol Drury, PhD, NCC

Back when I was working for someone else, I had a boss who was not very popular. My co-workers and I despised her, and we complained ceaselessly. It got to the point where we couldn’t start a meeting, have lunch, or even go out after work, without spending half an hour complaining. We whined about her attitude, her rule “commandoness” even for the smallest infraction, her meddling, her rigidity, hell, even her fashion sense came under fire. Nevertheless, did we ever tell her? Nooooooo! While we were whining and moaning to ourselves, she blithely went on as usual because no one ever complained to her, which might’ve made sense when you think about it.

Looking back, I’m not sure that complaining to her would have worked – I think she was incorrigible – but one thing is for damn sure: Our complaining about it, fun though it may have been, did not improve things one little bit, since that kind of chronic complaining in the work place, justified or not, leads to no good. In fact, it can be downright toxic and can make a department or even a whole company a terrible place to work. Here are a few of the reasons constant complaining is so bad:

1. It makes things look worse than they are
When people complain, they focus only on what’s wrong. Things may be mostly fine in the company, but complainers only talk about the problems, annoyances and peeves they perceive. If things are 80% good and 20% bad and you spend your time thinking and talking about the bad 20% – the situation will look worse than it really is.

2. It be comes a habit

The more you complain, the easier it gets. In the end, everything is bad, every situation is a problem, every co-worker is a jerk, and nothing is good. The more you focus on the negative, the harder it gets to switch into a positive mindset.

3. You get what you focus on
“Confirmation bias” is a tendency to search for or interpret new information in a way that confirms one’s preconceptions and avoid information and interpretations that contradict prior beliefs. That’s why constant complaining makes you see everything in a negative light, because your subconscious mind tries to make new observation fit with what you already know.

4. It leads to “onedownmanship”
A complaining session might go something like this: The other day, my boss came in five minutes before I was leaving and asked me to finish two huge projects for her. I had to stay two hours and missed my softball game.
Yeah, well my boss told me to work this weekend AND the next.
Hah, that’s nothing! My boss . . .
This type of interaction rewards the person with the worst story who can complain the loudest. Not healthy!

5. It makes people despondent
Constant complaining makes a person view the workplace as worse than it really is, and because he or she is constantly hearing stories of how bad things are and how they’re constantly getting worse, it also destroys all hope that things can get better. This of course makes people less likely to take action to improve their situation, because everybody knows it’s doomed to fail anyway.
So what can we do about it?
Each of us can learn to complain constructively by complaining to a person who has the opportunity to fix the problem. Additionally, learn to deal with the chronic complainers at work by not joining in the complaint fest. Unfortunately, our traditional strategies like trying to cheer them up or suggesting solutions for their problems doesn’t work be- cause complainers aren’t looking for encouragement or solutions.

Finally, you can train your own ability to be positive. Just like complaining can be- come a habit, so can being appreciative, optimistic, and grateful. You could declare today a positive day, you could take a few minutes at the end of every workday to write down five good experiences from that day or you could praise a co-worker. Why not make every Tuesday “Positive Day?”

The Challenge
Go 21 Days without complaining. If you accept the challenge, I will provide you with a purple bracelet. Each time you complain, you have to switch the bracelet to your other wrist and start again from day 0. It’s that simple! To date, more than 5,900,000 people have taken the challenge and been successful, and I am proud to say I am one of them!

Word choice determines thought choice, which determines emotions and actions. It’s not enough to decide you’ll just stop using certain words. It requires conditioning. It all makes perfect sense, if you think about it. Fix the words and you fix the thoughts. You may not even think you are a negative person, but you may just want to cut out the commiserating most people use for 30- 40% of all conversation. If you think I’m exaggerating, keep track of how many people start conversations with you in the next 24 hours that center on a complaint or criticism.

How to define a complaint
I defined “complaining” for myself as follows: describing an event or person negatively without indicating next steps to fix the problem; Repeating a negative observation or statement from the day before, as it now becomes a complaint. I later added the usual 4-letter words and other common profanity as complaint qualifiers. Some people include gossip and criticizing, but since I rarely do either, I did not include them. Each individual can decide for himself or herself what should be included. Please email me for more in- formation and/or to request a purple band.

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About Dr. Carol Drury, PhD, NCC

Dr. Carol Drury graduated from George Washington University with a doctoral degree in Clinical Counseling, and is a Nationally Certified Clinical Counselor. Before opening her private practice in 2005, Dr. Drury worked for the Maryland Division of Rehabilitation Services for 27 years, first as a Rehabilitation Counselor and then as a Supervisor in the Tri County area. She was in the first class of trained Divorce and Family Mediators in St. Mary’s County. Dr. Drury has been Adjunct Faculty at George Washington University and Bowie State University and currently serves in that capacity at the College of Southern Maryland. Her interests have always been in the area of improving the quality of all relationships, but specifically in intimate relationships and uses the Imago Theory of Relationships in her counseling.

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